Fuck You Television: Can You Believe You've Seen These Movies More Than Once?!!?!

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10. The Ten Commandments

Why you keep watching: it's a big vanity project about Moses, starring the whitest actor ever as Moses, shown annually in prime time on network television for eternity.

Also:

-The Taglines: "The Greatest Event in Motion Picture History" OR "It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a God."
-Adjusted for inflation, one of the highest-grossing movies ever.
-Fidel Castro may (or may not) have been in it.

9. Mallrats

Fucking Kevin Smith. Fucking Kevin Smith. Fucking Kevin Smith. Arrrghh!!!!!

8. Major League 2 (Ace Ventura 2, Austin Powers 2 & 3)

Sequels are almost always bad. These typify the the-original-is-really-good-but-the-sequel-is-unwatchably-terrible group.

7. About Last Night…

File this one under the category of movies-that-aren't-good-but-feature-some-kind-of-great-nudity-so-you-watch. Demi Moore, pre-boob job, takes her clothes off a couple of times. Hard to belive this piece of shit was based on a David Mamet play (which had a MUCH better title).

6. Mrs. Doubtfire

I hate Robin Williams in 99% of the things he's done. This is no exception. It's not funny, not touching, and not something that should have ever made AFI's Top 100 Comedies list.

5. Meet the Fockers

Meet the Fockers represents more than just a terrible combination of a lot of good actors. It's also a symbol of the new HBO, where you get 7 channels, which all show the same five movies that they just received the rights to, over and over.

4. Regarding Henry

If I wasn't hopelessly in love with Annette Bening, this movie would not even make the list, because I wouldn't have seen it. Unlike the three movies ahead on this list, Regarding Henry isn't awful. It's just painfully mediocre. [Bonus points for featuring John Leguizamo in his breakout role as "Liquor Store Gunman."]

3. The Waterboy (also: Little Nicky, Big Daddy)

After Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, and even The Wedding Singer, Adam Sandler probably felt like he could do no wrong. He could just get together his cronies, shit out a movie, and people would watch. The Waterboy is an abomination to sports movies, people from the south, blacks, whites, women, goth chicks, moms, professors, football, and just about everything else imaginable. Bonus negative points for Rob Schneider's presence. And my god, Kathy Bates - did you really need a paycheck that badly?

2. Stepmom

I first saw this movie on an airplane. Then I saw it on DVD when I got it for free with my first DVD player (also included: Lethal Weapon IV and Lost in Space). And then TBS proceeded to show it on TV endlessly, and I watched. It's a sappy movie which blatantly and offensively pulls so hard on your tear ducts that you don't want to cry, but instead want to hurl.

...and then they throw in the mom's-got-cancer storyline.

1. You've Got Mail

I've seen this movie at least 8 times. And everytime I see it, I hate myself a little more. Here's a few of its faults:

-corporate advertisement for America Online

-it's an allegory for capitalism and big business winning over small business and personality

-Meg Ryan is annoying (but infuriatingly cute)

-Dave Chappelle and Parker Posey in sell-out roles

-its treatment of Manhattan as the big lame dating center of the world