Something I Wrote with a Sleazy Russophile When I Was 15

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Keith Richards finally dies because he is eaten by Marlon Brando. Jim Morrison appears and when threatened by Marlon Brando’s hunger, he uses his own obesity to engage in a Sumo-wrestling match with him. During the match, David Bowie ascends to space to escape Marlon Brando. Jim and Marlon both fall on their backs and cannot get up. Scott Baio, searching for his last shred of dignity, peers into Marlon Brando’s pocket where he finds J.D. Salinger. Jimmy Hoffa is found alive and well eeking out survival on berries growing within Marlon Brando’s naval. That senile bastard Ronald Reagan promised Sidney Poitier that the day Keith Richards died, he could be elected President, and Congress passed the bill on account that Keith Richards would never die. The first thing that Sidney Poitier does in his Presidency is free Charles Manson from prison. In protest of Sidney Poitier’s rule, Dolph Lungren sets himself on fire and runs naked through the streets of Jacksonville, Florida. Emilio Estevez, now a Republican senator from New Mexico, attempts to assassinate Sidney Poitier with a crossbow. However, Poitier’s army of untrained midgets sieze Estevez and feed him to his father and brother, Martin and Charlie. Upon hearing of Emilio’s untimely death, the brat pack reunites for one last horrid movie. However, on the way to work, Anthony Michael Hall gets hit by a bus. During Keith Richards’ funeral which is held on Brando’s left nipple, a drunken Bob Saget rudely interrupts Mick Jagger’s eulogy by claiming that “Dave Coulier was my bitch, is my bitch, and always will be my bitch!” Stanley Kubrick’s movie, “Eyes Wide Shut” finally comes out and it turns out to merely be a music video for Britney Spears. The film is given an NC-17 rating because Tom and Nicole continually screw Britney in both the mouth and ass. Finally, at the end of the day, President Poitier declares it International Silly-head day, eats a lolly pop, goes to bed, and thinks about all the unrefined opium he will import from Bangkok tomorrow.