The "Slam" Count, Week One Wrap-Up

DAYS FOUR AND FIVE: "Sometimes, Getting Dunked on is Great"

Four out of five isn't bad. And while Friday's IMDB News did not contain a "slam," Thursday's slam was the stuff of which tabloid dreams are made:

Cruz Slams Gay Rumors

While Wednesday's analysis provided dissentary on tabloids, I take some of it back. Just reading about a possible lesbian relationship between Salma Hayek and Penlope Cruz makes it all worth while. Unfortunately the actual photo, and Ms. Cruz's denial of their relationship, is much less exciting than the rumor itself. In fact, Ms. Cruz's "slam" is only "No comment on that." (See the video here. It's not worth watching. Trust me.)

After a week's analysis, what has been learned? Not a whole lot:

1. IMDB News writers have a limited vocabulary.

2. Tabloids write about some seriously dumb shit. Are you dumb for reading it? Yes. Are they smart for making easy money off your (and my) dumb asses? "Smart" isn't the right word. Perhaps "capitalistic" is the right one.

3. Sometimes, getting dunked on is great. The 7'2" tall Frenchman from this video certainly remembers being so spectacularly slammed. And I will always remember the day a Penelope Cruz-Salma Hayek romance was slammed.

4. As for me, I'll still be reading IMDB news, feeling like an idiot while doing so, and waiting for the day my dream headline, "Spears Slams Costanza Rumors," appears. (It came oh-so-close once.)

5. I have left unexplained the new wave of tabloid-bashing-but-really-loving contingent of which I am a part. The Onion AV Club started a mostly obnoxious blog about it (now that is dissentary), and even the Washington Post is in on the act. My take: it's no better, and perhaps worse, than those who take tabloids seriously. (And yes, those people exist.) Yes, I'm a bigot: my hatred is imposed on people like myself.

I'm gonna go have a smoke right now. You want a smoke? You don't smoke, do ya, right? What are ya, one of those fitness freaks, huh? Go fuck yourself.

DAY THREE: "Make them sick, and sell the cure."

For the second straight day, a "slam" is the first item in IMDB News.

For comparison's sake, I wish someone would do a review of a "real" news organization (yes, even the Post would count), to see if their front page uses a single verb this often.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about this is that IMDB News, or the tabloids generally (IMDB News only compiles other stories), use "slam" most often when a celebrity is harshly criticizing tabloid reporting. In essence, they are publicizing hatred of themselves. Classic!

For more of this behavior, see Fox News, at almost any time of day. Their people constantly rip on the media for reporting the wrong things and setting bad examples for America's youth, America's elderly, stupid people, etc. Ironically, News Corp. is one of the most well-known publishers of tabloid horseshit. [Full disclosure: For a long while, Cosmodrome's most-viewed story was this direct-from-TMZ entry. We're part of the problem. But that's a topic for another day.]

View the news slam here: Jolie Dunks in the Face of the Press with Madonna's Baby

In lieu of the text of the article, and in connection with my desperate attempts to connect this "study" (I use that term loosely) to basketball, enjoy this clip of Stephen Colbert mocking NBA/sports dripping-with-drama introductory montages. (From The Dana Carvey Show.)

DAY TWO: Russell Crowe returns.

Three "dunks" today, involving tabloid fave Crowe Spears.

Crowe Slams Flight Attendant Abuse Claims

Oscar winner Russell Crowe has hit back at allegations he threw a fit over the in-flight food he was served on a private jet during a promotional tour for his latest film. A flight attendant who served the actor on a chartered jet claims he was furious when his wife Danielle Spencer was given the only serving of a satay chicken meal he had wanted while on a flight to promote the film A Good Year. Crowe's Los Angeles lawyers have issued a five-page denial slamming the allegations of the unnamed flight attendant who says Crowe became enraged when he woke up from a nap and realized his wife had nabbed his dinner request. In her claim the flight attendant explains, "He said to me, 'If I tell you I want something, you put it aside for me. Or wake me up. Is there some kind of language barrier here?'" The actor's attorney, John H. Lavely, has rubbished the allegations and insists the movie studio public relations sources have confirmed Crowe was "nothing less than a model citizen during the publicity tour." Crowe is renowned for his volatile temper - in 2005 he threw a phone at a hotel clerk in New York City after he was unable to place an international call to his wife back in Australia.

Also, found in the hard-hitting story, "Club Owners Defend Spears' Promotional Appearance":

A spokeswoman for the club has slammed the speculation and tells the New York Daily News that Spears' payment was "less than half" of the reported $400,000 fee and that she wasn't penalized for leaving early. She adds, "Britney had a great time. We love her and can't wait for her to come back."

DAY ONE
As I've pointed out before, IMDB News (and every other tabloid) loves using the word "slam" a little more often than I'm willing to accept. I decided to start keeping track of how many consecutive days the term appears in the news briefing. Today is day one.

Miller Slams Gay Rumors
Prison Break star Wentworth Miller has hit out at media reports questioning his sexuality, insisting he is straight. The 34-year-old star is still adjusting to life in the spotlight and the intense media scrutiny surrounding his personal life. He explains, "No, I'm not gay. I know these rumors are out there...I'm cool with the fact that they exist, I mean this is about fantasy. Certain people are going to have certain fantasies. If someone wants to imagine me with a woman, or a man or one of each, that's cool with me as long as you keep watching the show."