Kobe B. Battle!: Bryant v. Beef

Cosmodrome HQ recently had a little greenery added to its décor: a large potted plant left on the curb. Before getting thrashed by the cat, the tree was dubbed Kobe. Half of Kobe’s acquaintances replied, “You mean after the basketball guy?” while the other half responded, “You mean after the beef?” Thing is, we didn’t rightly know. So we’ve decided to lay it down, have Bryant and Beef duke it out in our heads so that our tree can have the more radass namesake. Let’s get it on!

Kobe Bryant

They say basketball no longer is a team sport. It’s merely a collection of disparate superstar individuals. Regardless, these Lone b-ball Gunners are fun to watch when they trounce everyone else on the court. Does anyone out there actually enjoy watching the Spurs play? I mean really, teamwork, defense, ball movement - BORING. I'll take Kobe Bryant and four losers over them anyday. Hell, I'd probably rather watch the Knicks and their series of Lone Gunners play than the Spurs.

If you glance through the bottom of the NBA standings, you'll probably find a series of teams led by Lone Gunners. From the Knicks with Marbury and Crawford, to Allen "We Talkin Bout Practice?" Iverson in Philly and Steve "You really expect me to pass to Pat Garrity?" Francis in Orlando, Lone Gunners are abound in the NBA. But for all these other Gunners, there is only one Lone Gunman: Kobe Bryant. Earlier this season, Mamba went so far as to rumble for 81 points in a single game (!!), causing the rest of his team to sheepishly sit on the bench while our boy took on the entire Toronto Raptor squad and then the entire city of Toronto. People have knocked Bryant's antics, calling him selfish, a ball-hog, a rapist - but we must ask you one thing: Would you pass the ball to Chris Mihm or Smush Parker? I didn't think so.

Off the court, the self-proclaimed "Black Mamba" could knock Paris Hilton off the tabloids. A rape charge (which, whether true or not, centered around an obvious penchant for him to go Brokeback style) and a well-publicized dispute with the ever-dangerous Shaq - a man who can use his Shaq-fu to stun and then devour any living creature in 3 bites - solidify Kobe's place as more than just a baller. As for arm-candy? Kobe's wife Vanessa is seriously FOINE. (Check the link - for the 1,000,000,00th time, what the fuck was Kobe thinking in Denver?) Kobe may not be Bad as He Wants to Be, but dude's bad enough to keep us coming back for more.

81 points?! dayum.

Kobe Beef

A few decades ago the International Beef Council held an emergency meeting in their secret island fortress to discuss the Mad Cow issue, years before the press would even get wind of it. Cases were popping up across Europe, a few in Canada, and Argentina was running more tests to be certain. Plans were made, policies signed, but the most important meeting was in a private conference room in sub basement 3. It was a meeting of the Japanese Beef Council.

"Gentlemen," said the Chairman, "this is our time to strike. Our country has not been touched by even whispers of Mad Cow. It is time to release upon the world our next-level secret beef weapon." At this point he pulls a sheet off an easel with a flourish to reveal a magic-markered poster board with a single word: KOBE.

Kobe Beef had existed long before this point, but was kept a closely guarded Japanese secret like the major exports Anime and Dance Dance Revolution were before Commodore Perry pulled into port and took them back to the Western world in 1852. Kobe Beef rivals Veal in terms of extravagance, but without the residual "I-am-a-Monster" feeling one gets at the end of a Veal meal. Kobe cows live a life more decadent than Tara Reid, with constant rubdowns and constant beer guzzling (well, maybe not any more decadent than Tara Reid). And though it’s never mentioned, I assume their spa-like life even extends to them getting mineral mud facials complete with little wedges of cucumber in their eyes.

The cows are so thankful for their treatment at the hands of humans that once slaughtered, the ghost cows save their ticket to heaven and give it to you upon your first bite.

It's that good.


There's lots of imitators out there. There are lots of ballers out there that want to be Kobe Bryant, like LeBron James (not to be confused with LeRon James). But in the end, Kobe wants to be just Like Mike. Even Kobe Beef's got new, but inferior, up-and-comers like Angus Beef trying to steal its thunder.

But, sweet moses… 81 points??? That's superhuman.

Too bad Kobe Beef consistently scores 90+ with us.

Winner: Kobe Beef

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