Culture

GUNS! STABBINGS! EXPLOSIONS! NIC CAGE! (pt deux)

Our love of Nic Cage is historic.
Epic in scope.
Deep in depth.

We once chronicled an action movie marathon and posted the results of that day. Yet there was one stat that never sat right with us:

nic cages: 0

So tropical storms were braved.
Scores were tallied.^
And an instant-classic-remade-from-a-less-than-decade-old-Thai-classic was born.

We present to you the statistics from Bangkok Dangerous:

KILLS: 42-47*
EXPLOSIONS: 5
STABBINGS: 3
FANCY GUNPLAY: 2
DISMEMBERINGS: 2
GLASS BREAKING: 8
FAST-FORWARDS: 8
SLO-MO’S: 19
360 SHOTS: 4
NICOLAS CAGE LEERING AT MALES: 5
NICOLAS CAGE LEERING AT FEMALES: I counted up to 20 then gave up (mainly due to cage’s love interest being mute)
RIDICULOUS & INAPPROPRIATE MAKING OUT: none
INTERNATIONAL LOCALES: 4
EATING WHILE CONDUCTING “BAD MAN” BUSINESS: 4
ELEPHANTS: 3
ASSASSINATION-SUICIDES: 1
METACRITIC RATING: 19

^ notes on methodology: Kills were sharpied on my shirt while Miguel diligently moleskine'd detailed notes.
* Kill counts are discrepant as Miguel got 42 and I got 47, which included a few kills tallied during a quick flashback of previously unmentioned kills and a final mark for the deaf-Thai-pharmacist love story which killed my heart (in a good way).

Synergy!: Miguel's Tumblr and the Playlist via Alex


"Again!...Again!....Again!....Again!..... Again!.... That was your first lesson."

"I Have, John McCain, Injected You With the Minimum Dosage of Poison From the Power of the Ultimate Clinton" (Snarl.)

Tonight all three presidential will appear on WWE's Monday Night Raw in an attempt to appeal to the hot new voting bloc, "the white male":

To the casual wrestling viewer, these quick promos could seem nothing more than the candidates awkwardly spitting out a few wrestling catchphrases or references. But to the seasoned fan, these promos have much deeper meaning and historical context.
Analysis continues below

The title of this film has been withheld for your viewing pleasure..

It really is so much better when you don't know til the end what they decided to call it.

GUNS! STABBINGS! EXPLOSIONS! NIC CAGE!

Recently, a large chunk of Cosmodrome staffers and friends (all dudes) got together to watch 9 hours of action movies in a row. We're going to say it was done for science (it wasn't.), that we learned more about society (no.), learned the value of a human life (no.), and, just maybe, a little about ourselves (no.).
We felt it necessary to pass on our knowledge, which we present below.

[note: each kill was tallied with a magic marker on my shirt]

Movies
1. Starship Troopers
2. Big Trouble In Little China
3. Hard Target
4. Running Man
5. Half an episode of American Gladiators
6. Resident Evil: Extinction

Official Tally
kills: 232
explosions: 33
pukings: 2
torture scenes: 4
breaking glass: 20
green eyes (of creamy jade): 5
secondary black guy character deaths: 21
golden girls: 1
animal deaths: 11 (or roughly 3011 if we count dead Resident Evil crows)
decapitations: 11
slo-mo's: 208 (201 of which from Hard Target)
curved-throwing blades: 16 1/2 (?)
boobs: 7
sex scenes: 1
bugfucks: 3
crotch injuries: 6
people out running flames: 10
9/11 referenes (habeas corpus): 2
doves: 16
face kicking evil: 7
electric guitar!!: 9
arrowcam: 7
people who've seen marisa tomei's fajita: 1
strongly negative vaginal reference: 6
amputated limbs: 8
mention of monkey sacrifices: 1
melodramatic saxophone: 2
candles: 2
dead buddha statues: 25
wire characters: 1
sex and the city characters: 2
melrose place characters: 1
2 governors one cup: 1
ethnicity as implicit threat: 3
electric violin solos: 2
upside down gun fuck: 1
nic cages: 0
beer count: 70+
40's count: 2

The Retro Future Is Now

The Department of State Embraces YouTube, Taps Baseball Player to Clean Up U.S. Image Abroad

So the State Department has essentially created a new position called "Director of Digital Media" to hire a former producer of Bill O'Reilly to upload "viral" propaganda videos to YouTube. This one could be called "High Tea with Condi Rice, Karen Hughes, and Hall of Fame baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr.," whom the Bush Administration has tapped to salvage America's image abroad. A few words of caution: this video is a train wreck.

Some classic lines:

"Well, Mr. Ripken -- let's call a spade a spade." -- State Dept. Director of Digital Media Heath Kern (Who Is Heath Kern?)

"Sports is a universal language, kind of like the arts." -- Sec. of State Condi Rice

"Hmmmm... that's a TOUGH QUESTION!" -- Cal Ripken, Jr.

AT&T = The T1000 of American Corporations

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According to the good people at The Daily Swarm, AT&T has engaged in "a handful of cases" of political censorship on its live streams of some major U.S. music festivals this year. The most high profile case involves anti-Bush lyrics Pearl Jam peppered their set with at Lollapalooza in Chicago.

Now might be a good time to go over the history of AT&T and the consolidation of American media, courtesy of Stephen Colbert:

Also, have you ever tucked your baby in from a phone booth? You will! (What?!?!)

IMDB Will Eat Itself!

Image hosting by PhotobucketIn the world of celebrity, homogeneity has become the norm. And the only Norm we here at Cosmodrome are into is that fat one that sits at the bar and orders beers from Ted Danson.

But with all the Li’ls, Simpsons, Hiltons and Carters (except you, Vince) it’s getting tough to remember who really matters and who just hit it with a blogger.

Even that bastion of Film Forum fact, the Internet Movie Database, has become corrupted – turning into a source of confusion, not a means to relieve it.

Consider if you will: IMDB will eat itself. I’m sure some of you may recall the internet conceptual art phenomenon sparked by two lonely dudes somewhere in a dorm room called Google Will Eat Itself. The creators of the website

"Daily Show" Democrats: Are You Ready for Your Close Up?

New York nightlife has always been popular with foreign tourists. Last week the most notable, and incongrous, foreign visitor to Manhattan clubland was Iraq War veteran and Pennsylvania Congressional candidate Patrick Murphy who brought his campaign to Happy Valley, the nightspot named for Penn State 's idyllic home. Murphy came flashing his indie cred with a lineup of comedians known for snark, including MTV's The State mastermind Michael Showalter.

Kobe B. Battle!: Bryant v. Beef


Cosmodrome HQ recently had a little greenery added to its décor: a large potted plant left on the curb. Before getting thrashed by the cat, the tree was dubbed Kobe. Half of Kobe’s acquaintances replied, “You mean after the basketball guy?” while the other half responded, “You mean after the beef?” Thing is, we didn’t rightly know. So we’ve decided to lay it down, have Bryant and Beef duke it out in our heads so that our tree can have the more radass namesake. Let’s get it on!

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