Oscars: The Goldilocks Problem and.... Can Crash Repeat?

Low-brow: Currently #1 at the box office is Nicolas Cage's future-Razzie award winning "heavy Faustian tale", Ghost Rider.

High-brow (?): Cosmodrome already completed its review of 2006 in film.

Uni-brow: See right.

Best brow(s): Peter Gallagher.

Middle-brow: The Academy Awards.

In film today, there seems to be a Goldilocks conundrum. Too low-brow? Too high-brow? Thankfully, we have the consistently middle-brow Oscars. They always act with the noblest of intentions: to please the most people. And they always fail by pleasing no one but Paul Haggis. (Incidentally, how the fuck was Paul Haggis nominated for best adapted screenplay for something entirely in Japanese??!?!?!? Moreover, can you believe that the Goldilocks page on Wikipedia has Spoiler Warnings?!?!?!)

Check back around 8:00 Eastern (5:00 in the land where "all they do is snort coke and talk.") for a review of the night's events. We promise it won't be as gay as last year's. It also won't be as stupid, since none of the Best Picture nominees are as bad as Crash (including Crash 2: Babel). And since there's nothing really to cheer for or against, expect drunken rants to be kept to a (relative) minimum.

Read on for the blow-by-blow...

5:00 p.m.: Things I'd Like to See (In decreasing order of how likely they are to occur.):
1. Jack Nicholson wearing sunglasses indoors.

2. Salma Hayek.

3. An answer to the question, Are Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro the same person?

4. Sacha Baron Cohen doing something funny.

5. Mel Gibson
(Ideally the above two would coincide.)

6. Three 6 Mafia's return - in any way, shape or form.

7. Very little of Ellen DeGeneres.

8. Forest Whitaker winning Best Actor, followed by a cut to a deliriously drunk Peter O'Toole making an obscenely racist remark.

9. A surprise in one of the acting categories. Any surprise really, since the winners seem set in stone already.

10. An announcement that due to the shittiness of the nominees, there will be no winner for Best Original Song.

11. Clint Eastwood wins Best Director over Martin Scorsese. (Scorsese will actually become less cool, in my opinion, if he wins.)

12. Al Gore winning Best Documentary and proceeding to re-enact his 2000 Democratic Convention kiss of Tipper with the nearest female in sight. Gore then goes on to give a speech that indicates, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is either completely drunk or completely stoned.

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