Oscars: The Goldilocks Problem and.... Can Crash Repeat?

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Low-brow: Currently #1 at the box office is Nicolas Cage's future-Razzie award winning "heavy Faustian tale", Ghost Rider.

High-brow (?): Cosmodrome already completed its review of 2006 in film.

Uni-brow: See right.

Best brow(s): Peter Gallagher.

Middle-brow: The Academy Awards.

In film today, there seems to be a Goldilocks conundrum. Too low-brow? Too high-brow? Thankfully, we have the consistently middle-brow Oscars. They always act with the noblest of intentions: to please the most people. And they always fail by pleasing no one but Paul Haggis. (Incidentally, how the fuck was Paul Haggis nominated for best adapted screenplay for something entirely in Japanese??!?!?!? Moreover, can you believe that the Goldilocks page on Wikipedia has Spoiler Warnings?!?!?!)

Check back around 8:00 Eastern (5:00 in the land where "all they do is snort coke and talk.") for a review of the night's events. We promise it won't be as gay as last year's. It also won't be as stupid, since none of the Best Picture nominees are as bad as Crash (including Crash 2: Babel). And since there's nothing really to cheer for or against, expect drunken rants to be kept to a (relative) minimum.

Read on for the blow-by-blow...

5:00 p.m.: Things I'd Like to See (In decreasing order of how likely they are to occur.):
1. Jack Nicholson wearing sunglasses indoors.

2. Salma Hayek.

3. An answer to the question, Are Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro the same person?

4. Sacha Baron Cohen doing something funny.

5. Mel Gibson
(Ideally the above two would coincide.)

6. Three 6 Mafia's return - in any way, shape or form.

7. Very little of Ellen DeGeneres.

8. Forest Whitaker winning Best Actor, followed by a cut to a deliriously drunk Peter O'Toole making an obscenely racist remark.

9. A surprise in one of the acting categories. Any surprise really, since the winners seem set in stone already.

10. An announcement that due to the shittiness of the nominees, there will be no winner for Best Original Song.

11. Clint Eastwood wins Best Director over Martin Scorsese. (Scorsese will actually become less cool, in my opinion, if he wins.)

12. Al Gore winning Best Documentary and proceeding to re-enact his 2000 Democratic Convention kiss of Tipper with the nearest female in sight. Gore then goes on to give a speech that indicates, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is either completely drunk or completely stoned.

Ryan Seacrest is an Idiot

First impressions as the television is turned on:

Ryan Seacrest is vapid. My initial question, as the one asshole in the country who still has not seen American Idol, was if Seacrest was too famous for this Red Carpet stuff. Five minutes of watching him has made it abundantly clear that this guy isn't fit to run a rat-infested Taco Bell.

Meanwhile, the other women covering the Red Carpet for E! are advocating women dumping their husbands and going on anorexic "diets." (See Witherspoon, Reese.)

MARRY BOFF KILL

MARRY - PENELOPE CRUZ
BOFF - PETER O'TOOLE
KILL - NAOMI (BANANARAMA) WATTS

Pop-Up Oscar Gold

Cameron Diaz's chilhood nickname was Skeletor!

Also, Eddie Murphy on what his favorite "Eddie Murphy" movie is, "I like them all - even Pluto Nash."

The G-Milf

61 year-old Helen Mirren is still extremely attractive.

oh errol morris...

do we really need to keep going?

Apple Royalties

Does Errol Morris need to pay Apple for the rights to that Oscars intro?

Cross off #1

Jack Nicholson is there. But why is his head shaved? A puzzling development.

Al Sharpton

While watching this gospel-ish number from Ellen, I began thinking, What if Al Sharpton hosted the Oscars? That would be a wonderful jolt of energy (sorely needed as we watch the Royal Ice Couple of Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman present the first award, Best Art Direction - to Pan's Labyrinth).

I would pay... a lot... to watch Al Sharpton host the Oscars.

WTF?

At this point, it's Pan's Labyrinth 2, all other movies 0.

Cirque du Soleil.... always

It seems that every major televised event is planned by the same committee, who, sitting around a large conference table littered with empty Chinese food cartons, ties loosened, brainstorm a way to speak to as many people as possible.
So it wasn't any surprise when the Cirque du Soleil dancers showed up as silhouettes to form a large human oscar trophy.
If they continue to have their way, I imagine the Blue Man group will be presenting the award for, at the very least, Best Director.

two things also:
1) "Gay Coal Miner" was probably already copyrighted by us
2) I'm glad everyone agrees Helen Mirren is a GILF

West Bank Story

.... just added to my Netflix queue

West Bank Story

... looks pretty gangsta. Here's the trailer:

Boring.

(see title)

Supporting Actor

... goes to Alan Arkin! Wow. Call it the Norbit effect. We can now cross #9 off my pre-show list.

However, his speech is rather stiff... disappointing.

The G-Milf, Again

Why not?

"Valium Does Work"

William Monahan's opening words for his speech accepting Best Adapted Screenplay.

Sadly, it also means that Sacha Baron Cohen/Borat will not win an award. (Baron Cohen declined to present unless it was as Borat.

Cheers, also, to the G-Milf as presenter.

"You bet Chris, more fun!"

Moments after Monahan's comment, Tom Hanks takes over the running for line of the night by responding excitedly to Chris Connelly's idiotic question.

Is Maggie Gyllenhaal ugly - strawpoll?

This is a recurring argument in Greenpoint.

Anyone?

No.

Cinematography

Before it's announced, I'm saying that the biggest travesty of the night will be if Children of Men does not win.

[Pan's Labyrinth won.]

Not too bad, I suppose. But shocking to see Pan's Labyrinth get its third win of the night.

Best Named Winner

Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, for The Lives of Others.

Still... Boring.

(see title)

If the little girl from Lttle Miss Sunshine won, maybe it'd be a different story-- to see Clooney have to quickly lower the mic stand.

Eva Green & Gael Garcia Bernal

Hottest presenting duo possible?

Gore Defeats [Four Other Guys]

Al Gore wins for playing a weatherman:

Jerry Seinfeld - still funny: "These are the five nominees - all incredibly depressing films."

Sid Ganis

This is SO boring right now. My God. I'm embarrassed to still be watching, let alone writing about it.

Van Helsing

For those reading this in realtime-- TBS is simultaneously showing Van Helsing. I suggest keeping it at the ready any time an unnecessary montage begins.

i mean:

that image alone is better than the whole of the Dreamgirls medley.

Melissa Etheridge

...has won One Oscar. Alfred Hitchcock, Peter O'Toole, Martin Scorsese, et. al., have won zero.

Notes on the Obits

On the annual Oscar obituaries:

1. I had no idea Jack Warden died - and I'm not sure I ever knew his name. But he was great in a bunch of movies with Warren Beatty, and in the Problem Child series.

2. Cheers on the tasteful fade-out following Robert Altman.

3. Finally, we'll pour one out for Mr. Don Knotts, who the Academy inexplicably left off last year obituary.

G-Milf Wins

Once more, with feeling:

Measurements

From Helen Mirren's IMDB trivia page:
-The actress describes herself as "being famous for being cool about not being gorgeous."
(untrue.)

-Measurements: 36C-25-36 (starlet days), 38C-26-37 (on "Prime Suspect"-1996)
(rowr.)

O' Toole loses again

Do you think Peter O'Toole realizes he lost out on the Oscar to the director of First Daughter? Or even that he lost? Or even where he is?

BALDJACK

From last year's Oscar blog:

MyOwnPriv8 (11:24:39 PM): How many times has JACK presented best picture?
booyahbaisse (11:24:43 PM): Not enough.
booyahbaisse (11:24:49 PM): Should be every year.

Who knew it was true? (This year, with a great-looking Diane Keaton.)

Thank God This Is Over

The Departed won.

I can't really think of one memorable moment from this show. Whatever.

DISPATCH FROM LOS ANGELES

You are one cynical fuck. I mean, not one memorable moment?? How about Marty Scorsese being given a golden boy by Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola? Or the Will Ferrell/Jack Black/John Reilly hilarity? Or that ABSURD Michael Mann montage?!!

In other news, Sinclair, Eric, Lefko and I just contemplated whether The Departed is the most violent Best Picture winner and realized that the only good movies that have ever won Best Picture are all violent... Godfather I & II, Deer Hunter, Platoon, Silence of the Lambs, Unforgiven, and of course, Annie Hall.

Braveheart...

...was the most violent.

OK, and I concede the memorable moments you pointed out. Show was generally pretty boring, still.

But you pose a good question... what was the deal with that Michael Mann montage, which ended with a clip from... Rocky IV?!?!? Or the Errol Morris montage, for that matter?

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