Oscars: The Goldilocks Problem and.... Can Crash Repeat?

First impressions as the television is turned on:

Ryan Seacrest is vapid. My initial question, as the one asshole in the country who still has not seen American Idol, was if Seacrest was too famous for this Red Carpet stuff. Five minutes of watching him has made it abundantly clear that this guy isn't fit to run a rat-infested Taco Bell.

Meanwhile, the other women covering the Red Carpet for E! are advocating women dumping their husbands and going on anorexic "diets." (See Witherspoon, Reese.)

MARRY - PENELOPE CRUZ
BOFF - PETER O'TOOLE
KILL - NAOMI (BANANARAMA) WATTS

Cameron Diaz's chilhood nickname was Skeletor!

Also, Eddie Murphy on what his favorite "Eddie Murphy" movie is, "I like them all - even Pluto Nash."

61 year-old Helen Mirren is still extremely attractive.

do we really need to keep going?

Does Errol Morris need to pay Apple for the rights to that Oscars intro?

Jack Nicholson is there. But why is his head shaved? A puzzling development.

While watching this gospel-ish number from Ellen, I began thinking, What if Al Sharpton hosted the Oscars? That would be a wonderful jolt of energy (sorely needed as we watch the Royal Ice Couple of Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman present the first award, Best Art Direction - to Pan's Labyrinth).

I would pay... a lot... to watch Al Sharpton host the Oscars.

At this point, it's Pan's Labyrinth 2, all other movies 0.

It seems that every major televised event is planned by the same committee, who, sitting around a large conference table littered with empty Chinese food cartons, ties loosened, brainstorm a way to speak to as many people as possible.
So it wasn't any surprise when the Cirque du Soleil dancers showed up as silhouettes to form a large human oscar trophy.
If they continue to have their way, I imagine the Blue Man group will be presenting the award for, at the very least, Best Director.

two things also:
1) "Gay Coal Miner" was probably already copyrighted by us
2) I'm glad everyone agrees Helen Mirren is a GILF

.... just added to my Netflix queue

... looks pretty gangsta. Here's the trailer:

(see title)

... goes to Alan Arkin! Wow. Call it the Norbit effect. We can now cross #9 off my pre-show list.

However, his speech is rather stiff... disappointing.

Why not?

William Monahan's opening words for his speech accepting Best Adapted Screenplay.

Sadly, it also means that Sacha Baron Cohen/Borat will not win an award. (Baron Cohen declined to present unless it was as Borat.

Cheers, also, to the G-Milf as presenter.

Moments after Monahan's comment, Tom Hanks takes over the running for line of the night by responding excitedly to Chris Connelly's idiotic question.

This is a recurring argument in Greenpoint.

Anyone?

Before it's announced, I'm saying that the biggest travesty of the night will be if Children of Men does not win.

[Pan's Labyrinth won.]

Not too bad, I suppose. But shocking to see Pan's Labyrinth get its third win of the night.

Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, for The Lives of Others.

(see title)

If the little girl from Lttle Miss Sunshine won, maybe it'd be a different story-- to see Clooney have to quickly lower the mic stand.

Hottest presenting duo possible?

Al Gore wins for playing a weatherman:

Jerry Seinfeld - still funny: "These are the five nominees - all incredibly depressing films."

This is SO boring right now. My God. I'm embarrassed to still be watching, let alone writing about it.

For those reading this in realtime-- TBS is simultaneously showing Van Helsing. I suggest keeping it at the ready any time an unnecessary montage begins.

i mean:

that image alone is better than the whole of the Dreamgirls medley.

...has won One Oscar. Alfred Hitchcock, Peter O'Toole, Martin Scorsese, et. al., have won zero.

On the annual Oscar obituaries:

1. I had no idea Jack Warden died - and I'm not sure I ever knew his name. But he was great in a bunch of movies with Warren Beatty, and in the Problem Child series.

2. Cheers on the tasteful fade-out following Robert Altman.

3. Finally, we'll pour one out for Mr. Don Knotts, who the Academy inexplicably left off last year obituary.

Once more, with feeling:

From Helen Mirren's IMDB trivia page:
-The actress describes herself as "being famous for being cool about not being gorgeous."
(untrue.)

-Measurements: 36C-25-36 (starlet days), 38C-26-37 (on "Prime Suspect"-1996)
(rowr.)

Do you think Peter O'Toole realizes he lost out on the Oscar to the director of First Daughter? Or even that he lost? Or even where he is?

From last year's Oscar blog:

MyOwnPriv8 (11:24:39 PM): How many times has JACK presented best picture?
booyahbaisse (11:24:43 PM): Not enough.
booyahbaisse (11:24:49 PM): Should be every year.

Who knew it was true? (This year, with a great-looking Diane Keaton.)

The Departed won.

I can't really think of one memorable moment from this show. Whatever.

You are one cynical fuck. I mean, not one memorable moment?? How about Marty Scorsese being given a golden boy by Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola? Or the Will Ferrell/Jack Black/John Reilly hilarity? Or that ABSURD Michael Mann montage?!!

In other news, Sinclair, Eric, Lefko and I just contemplated whether The Departed is the most violent Best Picture winner and realized that the only good movies that have ever won Best Picture are all violent... Godfather I & II, Deer Hunter, Platoon, Silence of the Lambs, Unforgiven, and of course, Annie Hall.

...was the most violent.

OK, and I concede the memorable moments you pointed out. Show was generally pretty boring, still.

But you pose a good question... what was the deal with that Michael Mann montage, which ended with a clip from... Rocky IV?!?!? Or the Errol Morris montage, for that matter?

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