Liveblogging 'Legend' (Ridley Scott, 1986), the most boring movie I've seen in a really, really long time

I don't know what Gawker is waiting for, but this Ridley Scott movie from 1986 with Tom Cruise and Mia Sara has some amazing lines that could be perfectly recontextualized into video clips of Cruise's descent into madness.

Here is a little though hilarious IMDB gaffe in the film's 'trivia' section:

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The title of this film has been withheld for your viewing pleasure..

It really is so much better when you don't know til the end what they decided to call it.

A budding Lefko

5 out of 5!!!

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Recently, a large chunk of Cosmodrome staffers and friends (all dudes) got together to watch 9 hours of action movies in a row. We're going to say it was done for science (it wasn't.), that we learned more about society (no.), learned the value of a human life (no.), and, just maybe, a little about ourselves (no.).
We felt it necessary to pass on our knowledge, which we present below.

[note: each kill was tallied with a magic marker on my shirt]

1. Starship Troopers
2. Big Trouble In Little China
3. Hard Target
4. Running Man
5. Half an episode of American Gladiators
6. Resident Evil: Extinction

Official Tally
kills: 232
explosions: 33
pukings: 2
torture scenes: 4
breaking glass: 20
green eyes (of creamy jade): 5
secondary black guy character deaths: 21
golden girls: 1
animal deaths: 11 (or roughly 3011 if we count dead Resident Evil crows)
decapitations: 11
slo-mo's: 208 (201 of which from Hard Target)
curved-throwing blades: 16 1/2 (?)
boobs: 7
sex scenes: 1
bugfucks: 3
crotch injuries: 6
people out running flames: 10
9/11 referenes (habeas corpus): 2
doves: 16
face kicking evil: 7
electric guitar!!: 9
arrowcam: 7
people who've seen marisa tomei's fajita: 1
strongly negative vaginal reference: 6
amputated limbs: 8
mention of monkey sacrifices: 1
melodramatic saxophone: 2
candles: 2
dead buddha statues: 25
wire characters: 1
sex and the city characters: 2
melrose place characters: 1
2 governors one cup: 1
ethnicity as implicit threat: 3
electric violin solos: 2
upside down gun fuck: 1
nic cages: 0
beer count: 70+
40's count: 2

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Fuck Me in the Beard

In lieu of leaving a pithy remark on Eric’s constraints, here are ten movies and a few nuggets to display the logic that went into this finely calculated mess:

1. Syndromes and a Century
2. No Country for Old Men
3. The Host
4. Paprika
5. 28 Weeks Later *
6. Ratatouille
7. Transformers **
8. Zodiac
9. Black Book
10. Grindhouse ***

* beat Still Light, a movie that no one else saw.
** beat There Will Be Blood, despite “I drink your milkshake” > “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings”
*** beat Knocked Up, because “I never miss” > “fuck me in the beard” – this deserves a recount, but I’m not raising the 2k for it. Where are you when I need you, Kucinich?

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There Will Be Omissions

As has been noted here, 2007 was the best year in American cinema since 1999. It might be argued that this was one of the worst for foreign cinema, or rather the American distribution of foreign films, in some time. It looks like the first quarter of 2008, with proper releases of new films from Hou, Breillat, Chabrol, etc. might make up a new season of high-quality movies we'll forget about come December.

I must admit to my own personal inability to see many of the heralded films that came out this year. This list is embarrassingly incomprehensive and as such I have not numbered the films, nor would I consider them the ten best films of the year--rather, the ten films that most "captured my imagination," which I suppose is a definition of greatness. Short notes on my choices follow.

There Will Be Blood
Into the Wild
I'm Not There
The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
Southland Tales/Darjeeling Ltd.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters
The Simpsons Movie
Colossal Youth
28 Weeks Later

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'We Are All Brad Renfro' - except this guy.

ABC 7 might want to check their sources.

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Nine is fine.

The fact that two respectable cinephiles - Eric and Jon - have positioned Ratatouille at the tops of their lists just goes to show you how 2007 will go down as one of the worst years for cinema in a pretty long time.

2007 has been scarred by esoterica-oriented critics gushing over their discovery of the mainstream, perhaps because they have been repulsed from the avant garde from this year's truly great film, "I'm Not There."

Ratatouille is, was, and forever will be diminished by the great mice of popular culture: Mickey, Maus, and Feivel from An American Tale.

In Ratatouille audiences were served a plotless and for the most part joyless parody of many illustrated or animated classics, and a diluted "persecuted pack" narrative. The irredeemable script avoided any sense of danger or risk to our protagonist. He had no depth. By comparison, the critic, whose arc from cold-blooded foodie to spirited restaurateur, was the only likeable and authentic character in the film.

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Mission Aborted

Well, it didn't take long for Eric's mandate to fall apart. Though Jon is, of course, right that the number of films is arbitrary, I would still encourage people to submit lists capped at ten, if only because I think it's a good experiment. Here's mine...

1. I'm Not There
2. Death Proof
3. Lake of Fire
4. 4 Months 3 Weeks & 2 Days
5. There Will Be Blood
6. The Host
7. Eastern Promises
8. No Country for Old Men
9. Zodiac
10. Knocked Up

Already, I can tell you from this experiment that I was forced, at the last second, to switch Knocked Up and Away from Her on my list because I couldn't stand the idea not to see Knocked Up make the final cut. While I may ultimately feel that Away from Her is the closer-to-perfect film, Knocked Up has generated so much discussion for me this year, has gotten me slapped so many times, that it seems wrong not to elevate it.

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Ten, Schmen!

Fellow Cinephiles!

I respectfully disagree that ten is the definitive number we should use in making our lists. Yes, listmaking is about many of the things mentioned in the previous post. But don't forget that it should also be fun! Dictating to colleagues how to express themselves just ain't my idea of fun. I thought that kind of rigid cinephile negativity died with Susan Sontag.

Another thing: listmaking in its own right is subjective, of course, so the number of films we put on our list—ten, fifteen, even forty (as Jonathan Rosenbaum did in both 2000 and 2002)—is also merely a subjective decision. In other words, the number we choose is ultimately arbitrary. But the content of our lists is anything but.

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