Lists

Literary Figures With Porn Star Names

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1. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

2. E.E. Cummings

3. Emily Dickinson

4. Ezra Pound

5. Margaret Atwood

6. Thomas Hardy

7. Kingsley Anus

Well, maybe not the last one. Which other authors/poets/respected academians have names that make you snicker immaturely?

Celebrities That Probably Have Deviant Sex Lives

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You know it the moment you see them on your backlit screen: that celebrity probably has a deviant sex life. Some of them are just too obvious; others maybe not. I have compiled a list of a few of the more striking candidates, paired with their –philia of note. Now just kick back and let the headlines roll in...(click “read more” down there to see the full list).

Ralph Fiennes: Forniphilia

Celebrity Gaydar 1.5: The White Pages

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We're equal opportunity (?) here at Cosmodrome - and since the first edition of Celebrity Gaydar featured mostly black celebrities, here's Volume 1.5:

01. Kevin Spacey
02. Hugh Jackman
03. Elijah Wood
04. Tom Cruise (shut. up.)
05. Matthew Broderick
06. Kurt Loder
07. John Norris
08. Anderson Cooper
09. Luther Vandross (you didn't think I could manage an all-white list, did you?)
10. Jodie Foster

Stay tuned for my next very difficult project of Celebrity Gaydar: The Yellow Pages.

24's Got An Axe to Grind. But What Is It?

Like George Clooney, I'm a Liberal. There, I said it! With a capital L! But I also Love the show 24, with a capital L.

How could this be? Have we entered yet another chapter in the book of the hypocrisy of me that is neverending?

You see, here's the paradox: like George Clooney I feel that blacks should not have to sit in the back of the bus. In fact, when I ride the bus, I often sit in the back myself to prevent blacks from having to sit there, just in case. And yet I also love watching Jack Bauer prove his manliness by demonstrating decisiveness in times of crisis. I am so not gay, yet it turns me on. It is the biggest adrenaline rush on television, yet it burns me up when my eyes look anywhere near the bottom right hand corner of the screen, and the little logo reminds me

Celebrity Gaydar by Resident Fag Hag

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If one in twenty people is gay, and (based on my very rigorously researched generalization) gays (particularly gay men) are better, or at least think they are better, at entertainment, then, um... you know.

This will be updated soon. Parentheticals indicate most likely future life-partner. Please send your suggestions, especially for the "to be determined" true loves.

Also, this list turned out to be all black for some reason.
HERE are the white pages.

01. P. Diddy (Fonsworth Bentley, the dandy umbrella opener)
02. Will Smith (DJ Jazzy Jeff!) & Jada Pinkett-Smith (TBD)
03. Oprah. Oh yeah, and Stedman, too.
04. Whoever that poof who married Star Jones is.
05. Pretty much any man married to a plus-sized female celeb or much-taller-than-him female celeb.
06. Jay-Z (Memphis Bleek)
07. Missy Elliott (Her dream was Aaliyah, of course, which explains why she missed and continues to miss her so much, but possibilities include Tweet and Eva from Top Model)
08. Timbaland (Magoo)
09. Queen Latifah (SO GAY! PLEASE COME OUT!)
10. Kanye West (Himself. Hey! Sucking your own dick is a serious relationship!)

Top Ten Movies With Appearances by Saved by the Bell Alumnae

Has any television show or movie ever cursed the film prospects of actors the way Saved by the Bell has? Can you imagine anyone involved in the show doing anything but living in the Indiana/California high school known as Bayside? No. You can't.

We'll grant Tiffani(-Amber) Thiessen some cred for vamping it up as Valerie Malone on 90210, and Liz Berkley, no one's faulting you for trying to shake off your SBTB image. M-P Gosselar & Mario Lopez, as much as you blew us away with NYPD and Pacific Blues, respectively, Dead Man on Campus and Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story are one thing: awful.com/horrible. Lark Voorhies - you got engaged to Martin Lawrence and still couldn't even get into one of his mediocre movies! As for Dustin Diamond, we'll let him off the hook this time. [Of the series' stars, only Dennis Haskins managed to do anything of note - and that was sit next to me at the coffee shop in the South Bend (IN) airport. Unfortunately, people tell me this doesn't count as a "movie".]

Weird Food I've Been Tricked Into Eating

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7. Frog
- When I saw the tiny hand coming out of the serving dish, I realized I was not, in fact, eating "chicken in fish sauce."

6. Intestines
- Don't believe them when they say "It's squash. Or eggplant. What? Just eat it."

5. Snake
- I was told this was eel , but it didn't taste sweet or tender. It was more rubbery, a lot less fishy, and made me feel sinful.

Dispatch 0: Bangkok

Things I Will Not Do Again

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  3.  
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  6. Drink bottled water purchased from a suspicious man, suspiciously close to the river

Thank You Television, For Airing These Movies Ad Infinitum

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10. The Ten Commandments

Why you keep watching: It's a big vanity project about Moses, starring the whitest actor ever as Moses, shown annually in prime time on network television for eternity.

Also:

The Taglines: "The Greatest Event in Motion Picture History" OR "It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a God."

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