Krasdale Kolumn #4 - Chocolate Syrup

Name: Krasdale Chocolate Flavored Syrup

I've decided a while back that people can be fairly easily split into two categories. I'm not talking about Democrats vs. Republicans, dog people vs. cat people, or people who feel like Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper vs. people who feel like it tastes more like cough syrup. No, a more definitive classification system exists which speaks more to the inner character of a person. Yes, I'm talking about Gummi vs. Chocolate.

The fact is that after a rigorous, peer-reviewed scientific exploration of the phenomenon, I've concluded that when confronted with a choice of sweets, half of people lean toward candy of the gummi genus, whereas the other half pick candies of the (superior) chocolate family. There are, of course, outliers who mess up the data, namely heathens who like both equally or those that like neither. They are dead to me and therefore should not influence the outcome of this very important study.

Krasdale Kolumn #3

Name: Krasdale Cheese Pizza: For One

I knew I was going to be in trouble with this one. The moment I opened the C-Town's freezer door and reached in for the black box of Krasdale's Cheese Pizza adorned with a ribbon with the words "For One" and a cartoony explosion stating "$1.19", a little voice in my head was screaming "Wrong! Wrong!" But I was on a mission and nothing would deviate me from that goal. I am committed to subjecting myself to all that is necessary to make sure you get the best in generic food reviews.

A little back history first: I tend to like microwavable food. I like microwavable pizza. Admittedly, I haven't had one in years, but my formative years (5-10, let's say) were dominated by a surrogate, possibly made up, motherly figure named Celeste. She was my sun, my moon, my grandmotherly oval-encased stars. She could also make the finest of after school snacks.

Krasdale Kolumn #2

Name: Krasdale Original Cresent: 8 Hot ‘n Fresh Dinner Rolls

Krasdale crescent rolls are packaged like a pipe bomb of pleasure. Upon opening, however, there was sadly no doughy explosion upon giddily peeling the text away from the tubing. Little things like this are noticed and usually reflect poorly on the product. Carefully the tin exterior was mined away to reveal a rich vein of pastry, which could be further unrolled and divided into 8 scalene triangles (geometry, fools!). What now? Roll them ourselves? Where do you get off, Krasdale? We don't spend our hard earned $1.99 to do all the work ourselves. Oh wait, all tubular crescent roll things have you do that. Our bad.

Krasdale Kolumn #1

In the first installment of what we hope to be a regular Cosmodrome feature, Krasdale Kolumn will feature reviews of the foods and aesthetics of Brooklyn's favorite generic food empire. We start off with the most ubiquitous and favorite of their catalogue:

Name: Krasdale Macaroni & Cheese Dinner

This is the holy grail of the Krasdale Empire. No Brooklynite’s pantry is complete without at least 10 boxes squirreled away. The clutch dinner food that is perfect for that week between paychecks or grocery trips. The perfect food that is filling and not completely unsettling.

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